SCUBA diving is intimidating to the newly initiated. On a trip to Cost Rica this past November, I spent two days diving with my friend, Vermonter and fellow dog rescuer, Roxie. Roxie is a fearless diver and her Facebook photos of her diving excursions inspired me to take another shot at diving, something I hadn’t done in over twenty-five years. In the weeks leading up to the trip, I was excited about getting to see first-hand the kinds of sea life that Roxie captures in her photos.
I made sure to mention diving whenever talk of my pending trip came up in conversation. I felt confident and laid-back about it, as if it would be a piece of cake. On the morning of our first day, the dive master, Bobbie Jo, took me through a refresher course in a nearby pool. Although the facade of my confidence cracked a bit during the refresher, I still felt pretty good about the whole thing, right up to when the dive boat backed up to shore for loading the tanks and all the other gear we would need for the first day of diving. Then the anxiety kicked in big time as the situation got real.
I pulled Bobbie Jo aside and told her that I would pay her the full amount for two days of diving, but that there was no way I was going to dive. I told her I was afraid to do something stupid, potentially hurting others or myself. She tried to coax me into coming along for the boat ride and maybe do some snorkeling. After a few minutes of back and forth, I agreed to go. On the ride out to the first dive site, I regained a bit of confidence and so I geared up with Roxie, Bobbie Jo and Roy, another seasoned diver.
Roxie and Roy went in first and started their descent while Bobbie Jo stayed with me. The two of us then got in the water and started our descent, but I immediately panicked and went back to the surface. My confidence was shattered. It didn’t help that my mask wouldn’t seal. We took off our BCD’s and got back in the boat. We then snorkeled for about twenty minutes. Bobbie Jo was extremely kind and patient with me. My mask still would not seal so even snorkeling was not all that enjoyable. Roxie and Roy returned after their dive and we then made our way to the second dive site.
The second site offered a “play pen” and Bobbie Joe intentionally took us there as an opportunity for me to boost my confidence. The play pen is a relatively shallow area of about twenty-five feet on one side of a rock island in the Gulf of Papagayo off Del Coco Beach. I felt much more comfortable there. It felt like something in between a swimming pool and deeper waters. This time, I switched masks and we geared up for another dive. I held on to Bobbie Jo as we descended down the rope that attached the boat to bottom of the dive area. I continued to hold on to her for the entire dive.
I was scared and I kept telling myself to stay calm and to not panic. But, I also began to enjoy the scenery and the sensation of feeling like an astronaut. By the third and final dive of the day, I was still somewhat scared, but feeling significantly more confident at descending and diving on my own without having to hold on to Bobbie Jo. In fact, I did a successful free descent without thinking about it. By the third dive, I was starting to feel like just another diver.
The second day of diving went without a hitch. Opposite to day one, I was excited about putting on the gear and starting the first dive. On day two, I had nearly mastered being able to control my buoyancy by taking deeper breaths when I needed to rise and exhaling, or letting out air from my BCD, when I needed to go down. I kept my arms and hands folded at my waist and only used my hands to point out creatures or turn myself in the current. For a beginner, I did well on my oxygen consumption. Our dives started to go just over an hour at about 40 feet of depth with 500 bars remaining in the tank.
A few days afterward, Bobbie Jo complimented me by saying that I was “on the road to being a very good diver!” In the span of two days, I went from being a panic-stricken newbie to feeling confident enough to want to finish my certification and go on another dive trip at the next opportunity, hopefully next spring or summer with a repeat in Costa Rica or Honduras.
In the last week, I’ve realized how much my diving experience is analogous to my journey in trying to find a meaningful relationship. I realized after a recent break up that I had consistently gravitated toward situations that are familiar, comfortable and safe. Not unlike the last time I had tried SCUBA, I thought I had overcome my all my fears and barriers, but I realized that it wasn’t true. I had been doing my best, but I was in relationships with less confidence than I really had inside, much like the casual, but unearned confidence I had before this recent diving trip to Costa Rica that lasted right up until the dive boat backed up to shore.
When it comes to relationships, I’ve definitely put on the gear (as it were), and have done a better job at being less fearful, especially after my more recent experience surviving cancer. But, at best, I’ve been in the play pen. I was part way there, but not all the way and it was fear that was getting in my way. Being out in open water and pressing on the deflate button to descend down the rope is, or was, the absolutely scariest part of SCUBA diving for me. Aside from feeling closed in, I was terrified of all the things that could go wrong while submerged 40 feet under water and having to rely on the gear. It’s not unlike how I’ve felt going all the way in relationships.
Self-contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus is what each of us should have when it comes to a meaningful relationship. What I took away from the diving experience is that I have to rely on my own gear. I have to rely on my own skills. I have to control my breathing to conserve oxygen and maneuver more gracefully. Only when I do these things can I be a competent diver without having to hold on to the diver master or any other diver and most especially to avoid panic. By the end of the second day of diving, I felt like just another diver and that’s exactly where each of us should be when it comes to meaningful relationships.
A meaningful relationship should be like diving with another competent diver where each is primarily dependent him or herself, but each diver is also there to support the other when the situation arises. Like diving, relationships are about enjoying the scenery both individually and together. Like diving, it’s also important to never lose track of each other. It’s hard to describe without experiencing it, but in SCUBA diving, you can find yourself literally on top of another diver, or uncomfortably far apart. The trick is to maintain confidence in yourself and in each other. I found it to be magical, that sort of underwater symbiosis between divers. When the dive is over and after returning to the surface, there should be nothing but big smiles of satisfaction and happiness. Every day should be like a diving experience. For me, the diving experience was another milestone in overcoming fear and being able to get to a new depth and the feeling of weightlessness. I’m looking forward to applying this lesson to relationships.
(underwater photos, compliments of Roxie and Roy)
